Head vs. Heart

It has been a trying last few days. Of course it is always 1 step forward 2 steps back. But I don't think that way. I can't think "Wow! That is awesome but I know tomorrow will be worse". And I know it's not really that "negative" attitude that it comes across as but I just can't adjust and take things that way. Emma was doing well taking 83% of her bottle and looking like she was ready to come home. She took 15 at her 5:30 a.m. feed, then 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40 and then 15 again (5:30 a.m. feed). The next feed she took 30 but she was really tired. So two feeds in a row....is she wearing out? is it because the schedule was off a little? I don't know. But we take the cautious route which is good. They tubed her for the next 24 hours. They rounded today and decided they were just going to be safe and do a chest x-ray, CBC and more blood work. Make sure everything is still looking good and they are not missing anything. I do not know the results of that yet. Based off of that, they will decide when to nipple her again and how much. Mike and I had our home oxygen and pulsox training this morning. So we are pretty ready to go.
I just had a really hard morning. A lot of emotions building up over time and I have to let that out occasionally. Well, my heart and head collided today. My heart aches to have Emma home. I miss her. I want to hold her. I need my baby with me. My head tells me she is better off in there and that we need to make sure she is ready. My head tells me life is really going to be turned upside down when she comes home more so than it already is. I know I need to be patient, but my heart doesn't understand that. Emma is 105 days old. Mike doesn't like me to think about it that way. We are 17 days away from being in the NICU 1/3 of the year. When the nurses say, "Let's give her a few more weeks", that feels like forever. One day in there feels like a lifetime. So you can imagine how long 2 weeks feels. So after I cried a bucket of tears to my best friend Mir, who had her son in the NICU when he was born (that is how we met) and then cried to two nurses and just talked things out, I'm starting to feel better. I just felt guilty for being selfish for wanting her home. I know Emma has gone above and beyond what we have asked her to do and here I'm wanting her to do more. I want her to get better so she can come home and I want it done now. I'm not thinking of her when I feel this way, I'm thinking of me. She needs to be with me.
So now I capitalize on the time that she has left in there. I need to get last minute things in order for her to come home. Mike and I need to talk about her setup. She is coming home on oxygen. The tank needs to be centrally located. Her cannula has 25 feet to work with. Her monitors need to be set up so we can see the numbers at all times. I need to have the girls out of reach of their sisters (especially if they have a cold). I will have to wear a mask if I get a cold. A cold could send her back in the hospital in worse condition. I think I'm going to try and keep Alyssa in preschool but they suggested I make her change her clothes and wash her hands as soon as she gets home. I need to find someone who can take and bring home Alyssa to preschool. I can't load up all the machines into the van and an oxygen tank to take her and turn around in 2 1/2 hours and do it again. Especially in the RSV (cold) season. I have a lot on my mind that I need to figure out. We might just need to sit Alyssa out for this year..I don't know. I hate for her to give up this part of her life. But we have to make life doable.
Olivia is doing well. I get concerned about her getting sick too but not as much as Emma. Maybe I should ask if they can just keep her til next spring...O.k. not gonna happen. : )
Well, this is a bunch of rambled thoughts. I basically just dumped my mind on you -- sorry
I'll update with the test results as soon as I get them.
Bethany