Letting go...

Why is it that we have so much trouble letting go of trying to control every aspect of our lives? I have really struggled to write this past month because I feel like I have nothing positive to say. Just wreaking with discouragement and negativity. Focusing on the "I can't", feeling like I need to fix another problem, feeling like my life is over. These discouraging voices in my head. Ugh!!! I just couldn't kick it. And yet talking to God meant that I would have to give up control which would only give me peace and make me realize that He is in control and I don't have to fix it. And yet the stress is overwhelming. Needing to prove that I can take care of my child and scared that if I don't succeed, she will be taken from me and put back in the hospital. All the pressure boiling up like a pot of boiling water and yet I'm the frog that has been in there from the beginning just getting used to it getting hotter and hotter so I don't jump out and then I'm gone.
Mike and I had a talk two nights ago and I could just tell that I was holding on and wasn't going to let go. But something in that conversation was releasing. Maybe it was realizing/accepting that it is going to be overwhelming and hard but I had a choice on how to deal with it. Some of it was as simple as him saying let them cry for 30 more seconds while you rinse out the bottle I made their milk in so that it doesn't pile up later and overwhelm me. Maybe it was hearing that he was feeling some of the same but he wasn't letting it overtake him like I was. And maybe it was just a good kick in the butt telling me to suck it up. I don't know....but I started to feel better.
My focus changed back to thanking God for these precious miracles that were not even supposed to be here. Appreciating how far they have come in weight instead of begging them to gain more. Slowing down!!!!!! I don't know when the last time was that I have taken the time to just sit and watch my kids. I love talking to Alyssa and learning about her day and what she learned at preschool. She is stuck on the number 79 right now. Don't know why...but it is so cute. She asked yesterday how many degrees it was outside. She said, "Is it 79?" I said that it was probably more like 42 degrees. We drive in the car and she asked how many birds are on the electric wire. She says "Are there 79 birds?" Those are the things I need to think on. Loren loves to fall in your arms after you change her diaper and she is standing on the changing table. I love to see the trust she has for me to catch her. She has learned - I don't know where she learned it - to head butt. Yep, she started doing it with Mike the other night. She laughs and laughs. Olivia and Emma just want to be held. They just want us to hold their fingers. Actually, Emma doesn't want you to hold hers, she wants to hold yours. She'll pull away. Like she still wants to be in control. These precious gifts God gave Mike and I. These are the things I should be thinking on. It says in His word, "Whatever is good, whatever is lovely, pure, noble....think on these things.
Why would I not want God in the pilot's seat? Why would I want my human self to take control? Are you kidding me? So I'm letting go....again. I think it is something I have to continue to hand over because I am human and sometimes that takes over. But God is so faithful to stand there and say "Are you done trying?" Why don't you let me take the wheel? Matthew 11:29-30 says, "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find REST for your souls. "For My yoke is EASY and My burden is LIGHT." I'll take that. God has a plan for me, my husband and my children and I will rest in that. I will take one day at a time, one minute at a time, and I will slow down to take in all that He has given us.
I believe we go through these hard times because God is trying to teach us something. For me, this is one of them.