Some things that have been on my mind...

I'm just going to write some things that have been on my mind. Lately, my emails have been more facts and not emotions. That is fine but I know some of you are wondering how we are doing. I haven't wanted to write because I don't want a lot of responses telling me how to fix it or what I should do.

Everything that Mike and I have been feeling is natural and completely normal and if we didn't feel this way, something would probably be wrong. So I will share some of what we are feeling during this whole process just to let people know and understand what others are going through when going through this. Please don't take what I say as negativity - just reality. Most importantly we don't want you to feel sorry for us.

Part of us feels like we didn't just give birth to two babies. We went home empty handed. I pump to a machine - pretty much makes you feel like a cow. We haven't fed, bathed or clothed the girls. We haven't held Emma. We have each held Olivia once. It feels like you are looking into an aquarium when you look in the incubators. It's hard sometimes because when you touch them, they don't always do well. Their sats might drop or their heart rate might go up too high. Then you feel bad because that happened. You feel helpless because you can't do anything to fix it or help them. When you have twins and one does well and the other isn't doing so well, you have a hard time with the mixture of emotions of happiness and disappointment. You would think it would make it easier that we have been through so much with Alyssa - 6 weeks in the NICU, 6 surgeries, etc. - but it doesn't.

I always wondered how people did it having a child in the NICU and then children at home too. Well, it is hard. I used to go to the hospital and sit 8-10 hours holding Alyssa. But with this I feel guilty not being with my two at home and if I'm not to the NICU by noon, I feel guilty that I'm not there. Then you have the fear that is a daily battle - fear that they might get NEC (like Alyssa did) and we could lose them in a heartbeat. Fear that an infection could come on and things go bad fast. The heartache that you would trade places with them in a heartbeat and you can't.

At the same time, we are so very grateful that they are both alive - Emma was not even supposed to be here and yet has completely come out of heart failure with no damage. Peace that God is in control and they are in His hands. We treasure every day that they are here. We have hope that they will grow and be home with us in a couple of months. We have had such love and support from our family and friends. Our church has really stepped in and shown us how much they care and are there for us. So we are very grateful!!!! The nurses have been great - giving me hugs when I've needed them. : ) Our families have been wonderful watching our girls. We have been ministered to greatly by these wonderful people.

We know we will get through this and God has a bigger plan than we know. It's like the "Footprints" poem. You have the two sets of footprints and then it turns into one. The person asks God "Where were you"? He said "I was carrying you". We know that is what is happening now.

We really appreciate all the prayers and emails and support and love. We just want to be able to be honest and share our true feelings. I know a lot of you ask how we are doing and we say the usual "fine". But if we were to go into it, this is what you would get - a million emotions. Janelle asked me today how I was doing and I responded with "It depends on the minute" and that is truly how it is.

At this point, we are very excited that Olivia is doing really well and yet we hold our breath not wanting her to set back. She is still off of the c-pap and her oxygen has gone from 30% to 25%. Her feeds and stools are going pretty well. I'm anxious to hold her again.

My heart breaks for Emma and each day that is the same we consider a good day. So today was a good day. No change. She will have another chest x-ray tomorrow and they will decide whether to keep her on the antibiotics or not. She is gaining weight which is good and needed. So we will take it.

We love all four of our girls and we can't wait to have them all together. Until then, we keep our eyes on God and trust that His will will be done and He will take care of us through it all.

"He's got the little bitty babies in His hands"....