Something little to share...

I did write another blog below but I ran across this tonight and wanted to share it with you. My good friend sent this magnet to me after I had Alyssa as we were going through the same thing with her. It's just something to think about. Here goes...

i beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer....
(rainer maria rilke)

A day off....

So today I took a day off. It was my day with just Alyssa and I just gave her my time. It was great! We went swimming this afternoon for a little bit and it was refreshing. By the time you drive to the NICU, take the long walk to the NICU, scrub up, see the girls, find out all the details from the nurses and come home again, you're exhausted. I think more mentally than anything. So it was nice. Of course, I called in at least 3 times to see how they were but it was a nice break and I, thankfully, did not feel guilty. That was nice.
Then I drove to meet my sister that lives in St. Louis to get Loren back. It was so good to see her squishy face. She looked at me like I looked familiar but she couldn't place it. (It has been a week). But she came around pretty quickly.

Emma and Olivia are both doing pretty good today. Olivia's infection (NEC) is pretty much gone. They are giving it one more day before they start feeds. I'm excited to get that started again. She weighs 3 lb. 10 oz. She lost some from not eating. Hopefully we'll pick up right where we left off. If nothing else gets in the way and things go smoothly, I think we are looking at another 2-3 weeks before she comes home. Again, I'm trying to get things in order. That helps keep my mind from stressing over them so much.
Emma's oxygen is down to 64-78%. Her pressure has gone from 38 to 33 today. They will try her down to 32 at 3:00 a.m. They are weaning her slowly. Just keep praying that she holds strong and tolerates this weaning. She weighs 2 lb. 14 oz. That was a pretty big jump so they are not sure if that is accurate because they just put her in a new isolator. I'll take that weight.
We'll wait and see what the morning holds for our girls.
Sweet dreams little ones!
Love you,
Mommy

There and back again...

There and back again...by Bilbo Baggins. Yes, that is how our weekend was. Every time I started to email, something changed. Friday Emma was doing great. Oxygen in the 40's, x-rays looking better, etc. Friday night Mike and I had a great night out and stayed at the Pere Marquette (a gift from Mike's coworkers - Thank you!). It was so relaxing and a much needed get-away. It was so nice to relax and talk about different things - some about the girls. We also just cherished the silence. Saturday morning we went to the hospital. Emma was not doing well. Her x-ray was not good. She had gone up to 100% oxygen. We were there for her rounds and we spoke with the doctors about her situation. Again we were frustrated because we can't fix it and neither could they. Everyone is just trying to figure her out. So they decided to tweak a couple different settings. By noon, they looked better but no huge improvements. By night she was not doing well again. This morning I woke up and called in. She had improved during the night and they had taken her off the Jet. Wonderful news!! But by the time we went in, her x-rays were bad and her blood gases were not good. I called in tonight and she is back on the Jet. I'm sure even as you read this, you are like "Awesome", and then "Bummer", then "Go Emma", etc. I just want to take her in my arms and tell her everything is going to be o.k. Tomorrow is 40 days and I haven't held my baby. And as long as she is on the Jet, I won't. I pray that she will continue to gain weight and eventually be able to take on this lung issue and kick it in the butt. I'm telling you, if I ever catch her smoking a cigarette when she is a teenager I'll kick her butt myself. :)

Olivia is improving with her x-rays and is still no feeds and on antibiotics. Her test came back negative for Meningitis which was good. They had told us she didn't have NEC but as of this morning, they said they are back to that and are continuing to treat her for that. Go figure! I guess as long as she is getting better, I don't care what she had. Tuesday will be her 7th day of no feeds and being on antibiotics. They might start gut priming on Wednesday if all looks well. Gut priming should take 4 days and then she can start her feeding schedule all over again.

We took Alyssa in to see her sisters. These are pictures of them. Loren still has never seen her sisters. Thankfully she doesn't really notice right now.

My wonderful and awesome best friend from North Carolina, Mir, has gone out of her way and made this awesome blog website for me. She went back and took all my emails and pictures and put them into this. Thank you Mir Elizabeth!!!! I love you!!! You are truly the best!!! So feel free to post comments. I love to read emails/feedback from people. We are really encouraged by what we read. Sometimes it's all we have to make it through the day. Don't feel like you are bothering us. We need it!

Well, my day is done. Enjoy the pictures and please keep praying for Emma and Olivia. As of right now, that is pretty much all we can do.

Day 37...

Day 37....

Hello! My cousin Amy and I were talking yesterday about this exact scenario that happened with Olivia. The frustrating thing about the NICU and the roller coaster of emotions is not knowing for sure what is going on. Here is the scenario...Olivia was showing many symptoms for NEC. So they started treating her for it even though they are not 100% sure (which is good because you don't want to be behind - you want to be on top of it). So knowing NEC and how severe it is - a few facts - 25% of all babies that get it die from it. We came close to it with Alyssa. It can go bad fast. My sister's coworker lost their child to NEC. The nurses said the baby was acting fine and four hours later, the baby died. My sister's next door neighbor, whom I've gotten to know, lost her daughter to NEC. So it is a bad deal. When we found out they were treating Olivia for it, I freaked a little inside. You start feeling a little better convincing yourself that they are on top of it and got it early - which is true and good. Well, today they did an x-ray and her intestines are worse - more inflamed and dialated. However, there were no air pockets in the wall of the intestines which would indicate that she does not have NEC. Good news - up in the roller coaster and you breathe a little. But...there is still something wrong and we're back to searching for an answer (I feel like we are on "House"). So then they tell you that they are going to test her for miningitis - and on down the roller coaster. Miningitis is just as bad in different ways. Again, if caught early then they can resolve it with antibiotics. With this, the recovering time is twice as long. She would be on antibiotics for at least 2-3 weeks. If her test comes back negative, we go back to square one and look at our other options. It's not that the NICU is doing anything wrong - cause they are not - It's just how it works. In some cases, they can't figure it out. That's even more frustrating. Just sharing a little of the ups and downs within the process.

Olivia - they are drawing spinal fluid from her back this afternoon. I should know soon the initial outlook. If the fluid is clear, it is probably not miningitis and we go back to the drawing board. If it is cloudy, then it might be. Either way, we won't know the final results until tomorrow . They are putting in a Pickline today. She is just so sweet and wants to be touched. She is comforted by having our hands on her and holding her hand and just feeling the warmth. I came in today and she was crying. I picked up her pacifier and gave it to her and she immediately grabbed my hand and I just put my hands on her and she settled right down. They went up on her oxygen to 3 liters to give her some help.

Emma - Emma is doing well. While I was pregnant, Emma was very stressed - especially at the end. That is why I had to have her early. When she was stressed inside, her pulmanary valve started to restrict (Pulmanary Hypertension). This clamping down is not allowing the oxygen to get to her lungs like it should. They have been treating her with Nitric Oxide and it has been helping. The Nitric Oxide dialates her pulmanary valve - opening it up and allowing oxygen to flow through to her lungs. Since they have been giving her that, she is doing much better. So the Dr. thinks that that is the reason for her lungs collapsing and being poor - not the infections. She is doing better and they are conservatively weaning her down on the jet and vent and nitric oxide. They have decided to do this by watching her visually instead of just reading the gases and tests. This way they don't drop her too fast. They also are giving her a tiny bit of sedation (not the kind that stops your gut from working). This will help her relax and heal a little bit more. She tends to get all fiesty and fights the jet. The jet is trying to help her breathe and sometimes she won't let it. Imagine that Sweet Emma. : ) She is still under mask, glove and gown. She has to test negative twice for the infection to come out of that restriction. Each test takes 3 days. So we are talking 6 days of waiting once she is done with her infections. She is starting to like some handling...like being patted on the bottom.

I love those girls!!!

I don't know what is worse - Not holding a baby at all or being able to hold one and then have to stop.

I'll write as soon as I know the results of Olivia's test.

This will be quick...

This will be quick because I'm ready to call it a night.

Olivia - is being treated for NEC. Her last x-ray was o.k. It was not better but it was not worse. There were no perfs or air pockets. Her loops are still dialated and she is still sick with infection but they are watching her very closely and so far she is stable. They will do another x-ray at 10 p.m. tonight and one at 6 a.m. tomorrow. It will be a few days before we can start relaxing about this.

Emma - We were doing good this morning. Her x-ray showed improvement. Yesterday, they thought she had pneumonia again. However, her x-ray today looked much better so they decided she didn't have pneumonia because it doesn't get better that fast. So they decided it is because of her infection and her pulmanary hypertension. Then we had a scare this afternoon we they noticed her bowels were distended. I asked if she had NEC too. They didn't know. So they stopped her feeds and did an x-ray and it looked good so they started her feeds again. They are watching her very carefully and it seems to be looking better. She just might be backed up. The stools she has had did not have any blood in them. Her afternoon chest x-ray was better also but they weren't going to make any changes. They are learning if they push her too far she will plunge fast. So they are letting her rest where she is at.

The end of another day has come.

We love you all and appreciate your emails and prayers and your support!!!

Good night and sweet dreams!

New pictures...

Here are some new pictures of the girls. The first two are of Emma, in her first outfit. The last one is of Olivia and I doing Kangaroo Care.

I just got off of the phone with the resident...

I just got off of the phone with the resident.

It looks like Olivia has the beginning stages of NEC (the deadening of the bowels). They have stopped her feeds and she is on antibiotics and TPN (nutrition through an I.V.). They found some green gastric acids and loops. The x-ray did not show any gas bubbles in the lining/walls of her intestines which is good. They have to watch for those carefully because if she has them, they have to make sure they don't rupture. If they did, that would mean surgery. Alyssa had the gas bubbles in her lining but they didn't rupture. So we will wait this out and pray that this will not get worse.

Emma is doing better for the time. Her x-ray was better. Her blood gases were better. They have come down on her settings a little. They will do another blood gas at 9:00 a.m. and go from there.

I spoke with two nurses this morning...

I spoke with two nurses this morning. The resident is supposed to be calling me here real soon. I still don't know what is wrong with Olivia. They did an x-ray and I'm waiting to hear the results. She is on antibiotics and she had a good night but we still don't know about the bloody stools. They are still holding her feeds. I'll give you an update when I know more on her.

Emma is doing a little better. She had a good morning blood gas so they moved her pressure down to 33 and her oxygen has been in the 40's which is good. They will do another blood gas at 8:00 a.m. ( in twenty minutes). I don't know if they a chest x-ray or not. Hopefully I'll find out more about her too soon.

Have a good day!! and thank you for the emails. I do enjoy reading them and they are encouraging to me even if I don't have time to respond.

I don't think this day could have gotten worse...

I don't think this day could have gotten worse. I went in today and held Olivia. I spoke with the doctor about the fact the girls weren't gaining weight. He said he wanted me to start pumping with two bottles and switch in the middle to try to get the more fat milk at the end and just feed the girls that. We'll try it for a week and see if they start gaining weight. So I left the room to go pump. When I came back, the nurse told me that she had just changed Olivia's diaper and found blood in her stool. Flashbacks of Alyssa with NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis) (the deadening of the bowels) flashed before my eyes. They immediately did an x-ray and an exam and blood work. All that showed nothing. So they started her feeds again and just said they would check her next 3 stools. Well, the next two diapers had blood in them too. The nurse pract. did an exam and everything looked fine - not showing signs of NEC. But there is something wrong. They just don't know what. They are going to check her blood for an infection and then start antibiotics. They will do an x-ray in the morning. If it is not NEC or an infection, it could be milk allergies. So hopefully we will find out and fix it. This is a pretty big setback for Olivia.

Emma had an echocardiogram. She has pulmanary hypertension. It sounds like that means her blood vessels are restricting and she is not getting oxygen to her lungs. So they started her on Nitric Oxide. They also found out that she has 2 infections/bugs in her tracheal asperate. So they switched her antibiotics to go with those specific infections. The dr. told me today that she is really giving them a run for their money. I'm thinking "You mean our money". : ) They are trying many things with her. She is now at a "Glove, Gown and Mask" stage. Meaning you have to have these 3 things on to open her isolette to avoid spreading her infection to others. She received a blood transfusion today. I think that is it. Oh and she did gain 42 grams - which is a little over an ounce. But she also hasn't stooled today.

I think that is all for now. The end of another draining day has come. I just want to freeze time for a week, get my strength back and then have another go at it. I guess I need to wait upon the Lord.

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light." Matthew 11:28-30

In His Hands,
Mike, Bethany, Alyssa, Loren, Emma and Olivia

Emma's blood gases this morning were good...

Emma's blood gases this morning were good. Her x-ray was better and worse. Her right lung opened up, her left lung collapsed. However, I'm not 100% sure on this info. but it sounds like she has an infection. As bad as this sounds, this is good news in my opinion because that means there is a reason she is doing poorly and they can get rid of it with antibiotics. So....we'll see how this progresses.

Olivia might move out of her incubator today. She is just staying too warm. We'll see...

I am feeling a little better after a good cry with a comforting husband to lean on - He is so great and has such a positive outlook. I couldn't ask for better.

Emma's right lung has collapsed again...

Just an update before going to bed....

Emma's right lung has collapsed again. She was down to 46% oxygen this morning and is now up to 86%. She was down to a pressure of 28 and is up to 38. She will have an x-ray and blood gas in the morning. They will do the chest pounding this again to try to open up her lung. The good news is that the eye dr.(who happens to be Alyssa's eye dr. also) looked at Emma's eyes today and he said they are developing fine at this point. He will check them again next week. Sweet dreams to you all.

Emotionally exhausted,
Bethany

Another day is here...

Another day is here. Last night Emma had a better x-ray at 10:00 p.m. She had a good blood gas this morning so they lowered her settings which was good. Then her next blood gas was not good so up the settings go again. Her lungs are just really sick. She dropped 5 more grams in her weight. They started her on antibiotics in case she is starting another infection. She is very sweet!!! She held my finger today. I just stood there with my finger near her tiny hand and I would just let her hold it if she wanted to. She was sqeezing and letting go and coming back to hold it again. The aquarium feeling was overwhelming again today for me. I guess when I'm held or getting a hug, there is so much comfort in that and that is why it is so hard for me not to hold her. I feel like if I could she would know that we are here for her and we are going to be here no matter how long it takes. She just kept looking out the "cage" as if she was thinking "I hear someone so I think there is someone here". That tiny distance between her and I feels like a million miles. Emma was getting her eyes checked today. We will find out tonight the results.

Olivia is doing well. She went down to 1 liter of oxygen. She will probably be at that for a couple of days then she will come off of the oxygen completely. I tried to feed her a bottle today. It wasn't pretty. She has trouble coordinating the sucking, swallowing, breathing thing. So she desatted really quick for me. She turned purple and her eyes rolled back in her head. Yep, that was scary. I took the bottle out and patted her back and slowly her heart rate came back up and she started breathing again. It brought back memories of feeding Alyssa in the NICU. Needless to say, I tried feeding only a few more minutes before calling it quits. She took the rest through her tube. I prefer the nurses do it until she gets the hang of it and then I'll try again.

Both Emma and Olivia have primary nurses now. Basically, if they are on shift, they will probably be with our girls. They get to know them well and what they like and don't like.

So the end of another rough day...hopefully tomorrow will hold more sunshine.

Love to all!

Quick update here...

Quick update here....

Thanks mom and dad!!! They drove here today and picked up our girls to take to St. Louis to visit my sister for a few days. Much needed break and good timing so we can spend some more time with Emma and Olivia. Thanks Ang for letting our girls come and have cousin time. : )

Emma's lung opened up late this morning (good news). However, the next x-ray showed that her lungs are filled with fluid (bad news). They doubled her dosage of Lasix and another diuretic to see if they can take some fluid off. Emma's lungs are at a very high pressure right now. They are at 38. The highest they go is 45 which is dangerous for the fact that it could pop a lung and then we are looking at putting in a chest tube. Not what we want. So they are doing another x-ray tonight and we will just pray that her fluid will go down. She is still losing weight. This is partly from the diuretic but we don't want her to lose too much. She needs the extra "good" weight so that she can handle dealing with her lungs better. She is a feisty girl and I just pray that this will get her through.

Olivia is doing well. On 2 liters oxygen through the nasal cannula. They might attempt to put her down to 1 liter tomorrow. She is bottle feeding once a day right now. Once she gets the hang of that, she will go to two a day. She is at 3 lb. 9 1/4 oz.

I'm going to watch a movie with my hubby now. Oh the quiet....I better enjoy it for the short time it lasts. : )

Much love and thanks for the encouragement!!!

Well...we just keep riding that roller coaster...

Well...we just keep riding that roller coaster. The girls are doing pretty good. They could be doing better but we are working at their pace, not ours. : )

Emma's rate got lowered on her jet this morning from 33 to 28. I cried from joy because it was supposed to go from 33 to 32 and they went all the way down to 28. So the lift in my spirit was nice. Then we got a call from the resident this afternoon saying she didn't tolerate it (according to her blood gases) and they put it back up to 34 (which was higher than the 33). and on down were my spirits. It felt like a big step backwards. Frustrating! But that is how this works. This is the territory. Emotionally exhausting.

Everything else for Emma is good - eating, pooping, growing, etc. She has lost a little weight because of the diuretics. But that is good weight loss. Nothing to worry about. She did get to wear clothes for the first time on her 29th day of life. : ) That's fun! Clovis, I mean Emma, still doesn't like to be touched. She lets you know.

Olivia is doing well. She had her first bottle 2 days ago. She took 4 of the 25 ccs. Not bad for the first time. Mike fed her yesterday and she took 6. She will continue to try for one a day until she eats half of the bottle, then they will start 2 a day. Other than that, she is doing well. They moved her oxygen down to 2 liters and she seems to be doing well. Again.....we'll take it.

We are so grateful they are both here with us and living and breathing!!! They are so very beautiful and special to us!!!

Thanks for your prayers - keep them coming!

I really must be hitting the sack...

Good Evening!!! It's 10 p.m. and I really must be hitting the sack. I need to enjoy my rest before the twins come home. Loren has been up some during the night. She is getting her molars in and it hasn't been much fun.

My college roommate, Stacie, came to visit me today from Indy. We had a great time and got to see the girls. That definitely lifted my spirits. : )

Emma is 2 lbs. 5 oz. She is one oz. away from weighing a 1lb. over her birth weight!!!! Wow!!! Emma and Olivia will be 4 weeks old tomorrow. Time has flown and yet it feels like an eternity. How is that possible? She was at 53% oxygen today (decent) but they had to increase her rate from 28 to 30 on the jet ( not so good). They are just holding back and letting her lead the way. Her blood gases were not the best this morning but her afternoon gases were good. We are grateful for no infection. Please continue to pray that her lungs will heal and she will be off the jet and vent soon.

Olivia is 3 lb. 4 1/2 oz. as of yesterday. The resident told me today that Olivia has been 48 hours without an apnea or bradacardia. They are going to give her one more day and then attempt to take away some oxygen. When Mike was in tonight, the nurse said she had had one drop so I don't know if that will change anything. We'll just keep praying that she'll get off the oxygen soon too and she can hold her own temperature and start bottle feeding soon. She is doing really well.

We are so thankful that they are growing. The stronger they are, the more they can handle all this stuff.

My mommy and me group had a shower for Emma and Olivia tonight and it was wonderful!!! They are such a great and supportive group of moms!! We couldn't do all this without all the support we've received.

Thank you to you all - from the prayers to the meals and everything in between.

We are having a pretty good day...

So....we are having a pretty good day. Not much change. These days feel like they are getting more and more common. Like we are running in circles and not going anywhere but at least we're running.

Olivia is up to 3 lb. 6 1/4 oz. Her oxygen hasn't changed. Still eating and pooping great. I changed her diaper tonight and it was poopy. So I put on a new one which she pooped everywhere on it as I'm putting it on. So then I put on another one which she decided she wasn't done pooping. So on to the fourth diaper and she was done. She probably lost some weight after that. They tried to do an eye exam but her eyes are a little too premature to tell how they are. They will check again in 2 weeks. Same for Emma. They also tried to do a hearing test and again she is still a little small. They will test her again in two weeks.

Emma had a chest x-ray that looked a tad bit better but not enough to change her settings. She was down to a rate of 27 but her gases weren't that great so they went back up to 28. Emma weighs 2 lb. 3 1/2 oz. She is eating and pooping great also. Not much new here. I keep taking in my milk and they keep drinking it all up. I took in 50 more bottles tonight.

Did I mention how much I love pumping? : ) Just a little humor.

Much love and Good night!

Not a lot here to share...

Not a lot here to share.

Olivia went back up to 3 liters of oxygen. She is having more episodes - mostly around feeding. They think she probably has some reflux. So they just brought up her oxygen some. We'll just give her more time. She weighs 3 lb. 4 oz. now. That is good. Today when Mike got in there they had Father's Day cards from both girls for Mike. It had their footprints on them too. Very sweet!

Emma is down a little in weight. 2 lb. 3/4 oz. They tried her down a notch on oxygen and it didn't go well. She let them know she didn't like it. So they turned her back up and will give her a few more days. Otherwise she is doing well.

Right now our big thing is just giving them time. Time to grow and mature so they can handle all these things. They are 32 weeks and 3 days. So we still have a while to go.

I'm going to get to cleaning.

Much love to you all!

Both girls are doing really well...

Both girls are doing really well. Thank goodness!!!

Olivia is just over 3 lb. 3 oz. She is on 2 liters of oxygen and just trying to get adjusted to that. She has a few apneas and BCs so they are giving her a little more time before they lower her settings again. She seems ready to try the bottle but that will probably be another week or so. I held her this week and she was trying to put my fingers in her mouth (it was close to feeding time). She is doing well with everything.

Emma is 2 lb. 1/4 oz. They keep bringing down her settings on the Jet since her blood gases are doing well. She is doing very well.

They will check both girls eyes on the 16th to see if they have any problems. They will have the same dr. as Alyssa which we are very thankful for.

All in all - a great day!

The only way I know what day it is...

So....the only way I know what day it is is because I have to write the date on the bottles I pump. Lovely!!

The past couple days have been rough because Emma has not been doing so well. They were treating her for pneumonia and meningitis. They could not tell if she had these two so they were basically covering their bases. In order to see if she had miningitis, they would have to do a spinal tap which they decided that Emma probably wouldn't tolerate - she is just too small. So instead they just kept on with the antibiotics. She was up on oxygen and her tests kept coming back not so good.
Well, today we had some good news. Emma is doing better. They are not finding an infection so they have taken her off her antibiotics. She has been on feeds for awhile so they took her pickline out which is great!! She has had a good day and has come down on oxygen and her tests are better. So we'll take it. She has lost a little weight but that could be because of the lasix. So we'll see how she is tomorrow.

Olivia is still doing great! They brought down her oxygen again but they left her on it for 2 days at that rate because she needed more time to adjust to it. She is still doing well on everything else. We'll see what tonight brings us.

I think it is all for now. I must go - I have a little one that doesn't feel so good.

It has been a couple of days since I have written...

It has been a couple of days since I have written.

The girls are holding firm.

Miss Emma is now 2 lbs. yahoo!!!! She is staying the same with her lungs- which we will take. When the day is not worse, it's a good day. Yesterday, Emma pulled out her ventilator tube. Nice... They quickly put it back in. All the nurses comment on how fiesty she is and how she does not like to be touched. It is so true! It's like on that movie "Apple Dumpling Gang". There is a boy on there named Clovis. Everytime someone puts their hand on his head, Clovis hauls off and kicks him. Then his brother says "Clovis don't like to be touched". Emma is Clovis.

She is just like Alyssa was with doing things in her own time. She is very stubborn and will come when she says it is time, not us or the dr.s. After Alyssa's open heart, they couldn't stablize her for 3 days and it got to the point where the dr.s told me they didn't know if she would live. That night at 2:00 a.m. she went from the worse to fine. They said they had never seen that. All their patients gradually get better. Alyssa just went from one extreme to the other. So maybe Emma will just one day decide it is time to take over. : ) Emma is doing very well with her feeds and stools. So we just keeping taking it day by day.

Miss Olivia is now 3 lb. 2 1/2 oz. Doing very well. She is on the verge of everything - getting off of oxygen with her nose canula. She is at 3 liters at 23%-25%. She is close to trying a bottle. She is in big girl clothes and is close to going to a crib. Mike held her for the second time last night. She has soooooooooo much hair!!! I know I shouldn't be suprised but I am. She is 120% Mike. Looks just like you are looking at him.

I think Emma will be in the NICU for at least 6-8 more weeks. Olivia - I think will be in there another 4 weeks. That is mostly my opinions and feel for what is going on. The twins will be 32 weeks tomorrow.

Mike and I took a much needed day off and went to Starved Rock yesterday. We knew that our gas tank was on empty so to avoid any nervous breakdowns, we decided to refill a little. It was a gorgeous day! We got to see some beautiful sights. When we got back, we went and saw the girls. We might need to take a couple breaks here and there.

Have a Great Day!!

Some things that have been on my mind...

I'm just going to write some things that have been on my mind. Lately, my emails have been more facts and not emotions. That is fine but I know some of you are wondering how we are doing. I haven't wanted to write because I don't want a lot of responses telling me how to fix it or what I should do.

Everything that Mike and I have been feeling is natural and completely normal and if we didn't feel this way, something would probably be wrong. So I will share some of what we are feeling during this whole process just to let people know and understand what others are going through when going through this. Please don't take what I say as negativity - just reality. Most importantly we don't want you to feel sorry for us.

Part of us feels like we didn't just give birth to two babies. We went home empty handed. I pump to a machine - pretty much makes you feel like a cow. We haven't fed, bathed or clothed the girls. We haven't held Emma. We have each held Olivia once. It feels like you are looking into an aquarium when you look in the incubators. It's hard sometimes because when you touch them, they don't always do well. Their sats might drop or their heart rate might go up too high. Then you feel bad because that happened. You feel helpless because you can't do anything to fix it or help them. When you have twins and one does well and the other isn't doing so well, you have a hard time with the mixture of emotions of happiness and disappointment. You would think it would make it easier that we have been through so much with Alyssa - 6 weeks in the NICU, 6 surgeries, etc. - but it doesn't.

I always wondered how people did it having a child in the NICU and then children at home too. Well, it is hard. I used to go to the hospital and sit 8-10 hours holding Alyssa. But with this I feel guilty not being with my two at home and if I'm not to the NICU by noon, I feel guilty that I'm not there. Then you have the fear that is a daily battle - fear that they might get NEC (like Alyssa did) and we could lose them in a heartbeat. Fear that an infection could come on and things go bad fast. The heartache that you would trade places with them in a heartbeat and you can't.

At the same time, we are so very grateful that they are both alive - Emma was not even supposed to be here and yet has completely come out of heart failure with no damage. Peace that God is in control and they are in His hands. We treasure every day that they are here. We have hope that they will grow and be home with us in a couple of months. We have had such love and support from our family and friends. Our church has really stepped in and shown us how much they care and are there for us. So we are very grateful!!!! The nurses have been great - giving me hugs when I've needed them. : ) Our families have been wonderful watching our girls. We have been ministered to greatly by these wonderful people.

We know we will get through this and God has a bigger plan than we know. It's like the "Footprints" poem. You have the two sets of footprints and then it turns into one. The person asks God "Where were you"? He said "I was carrying you". We know that is what is happening now.

We really appreciate all the prayers and emails and support and love. We just want to be able to be honest and share our true feelings. I know a lot of you ask how we are doing and we say the usual "fine". But if we were to go into it, this is what you would get - a million emotions. Janelle asked me today how I was doing and I responded with "It depends on the minute" and that is truly how it is.

At this point, we are very excited that Olivia is doing really well and yet we hold our breath not wanting her to set back. She is still off of the c-pap and her oxygen has gone from 30% to 25%. Her feeds and stools are going pretty well. I'm anxious to hold her again.

My heart breaks for Emma and each day that is the same we consider a good day. So today was a good day. No change. She will have another chest x-ray tomorrow and they will decide whether to keep her on the antibiotics or not. She is gaining weight which is good and needed. So we will take it.

We love all four of our girls and we can't wait to have them all together. Until then, we keep our eyes on God and trust that His will will be done and He will take care of us through it all.

"He's got the little bitty babies in His hands"....

We went to the hospital today...

Mike, Keith, Ali, Alyssa, Loren and myself went to the hospital today. It was a pretty good visit. We ran into our friends that just had twin girls two days ago. They have been struggling with some of the same issues as us. She had TTTS surgery two days after I did in Cincinnati. They stopped by to see us after our surgery. So we ran into him in the NICU and their girls are doing well.

Seems like the theme - good news and not so good news.

Good news - Olivia is off her c-pap. She has a nose canula at 30% oxygen. You can finally see her whole face. so cute!!! She is stooling great and doing well eating. We'll take it. She has also hit 3 lbs.

Not so good news - Emma has pneumonia. It looks like an infection from her tubing down in her lungs. She is on 2 antibiotics for a week. She is still at 50-60% oxygen on the Jet vent. So we'll just keep praying for this little girl. She is at 1lb. 10 1/2 oz. Mike and I can hold her when she is off of the jet but we don't know how long that will be before we can do that.

Thanks for keeping our girls in your prayers!!

Things have pretty much been the same lately...

Things have pretty much been the same lately. Emma is still on the vent. We are sitting back and giving her time and patience. She is so sweet! She had a bow in her hair yesterday (she doesn't really have much hair - but I'm not going to point that out to her). Olivia was moved to a different room today because they had a new baby come in that had had an emergency surgery and they needed space. She is still on the c-pap though without any rates per minute. They both seem to be doing better digesting their food and stooling. That is good news. So we'll just keep waiting and watching and know that time will help heal. I'm going to try and send pictures tomorrow (that will be more possible with the help of Alison).

First of all, some good news.....

First of all, some good news..... Alyssa went to the eye doctor today. For those of you who do not know, Alyssa is legally blind in her left eye. She has perfect vision in her right eye. Our first step was to get glasses. When that didn't work, she started to wear a patch over her good eye. Her other eye was a good camera, the brain just hadn't turned on to start processing images. She is severely near sighted in that eye. Well, while I was on bed rest, the Grandmas took to keeping her occupied enough to wear her eye patch. She wore it anywhere from 2 to 9 hours a day. And it worked. Her brain has turned on in her eye. Yea!!!! He said she has improved tremendously. Sounds good to me!!!! Alyssa does really well with her patch as long as you entertain her. And it has paid off. Thanks Grandmas!!!!

So we will continue to wear the patch for the next three months until her next appointment and hopefully it will have improved more. I know it will hard for me to keep her entertained while I'm caring for 3 other ones but I'll manage. We are just so thankful it has turned on.

I will try to give you the cliff notes of Emma and Olivia.

Emma - (birth - 1 lb. 6 oz.) (today - 1 lb. 10 oz.)
Olivia - (birth - 2 lb. 9.4 oz.) (today - 2 lb. 14 3/4 oz.)

Both PDAs have closed in their hearts.
Emma - will be checked to see if her "resolving Grade 1" (blood on the brain) is gone in a couple of days.
Olivia - has been checked twice for blood on the brain - has been fine both times.

Emma - on the Jet ventilator. It allows them to give her more pressure without damaging her lungs. Both her lungs are hazy right now. They are focusing on letting her rest and grow so that she can get strong enough to breathe on her own.
Olivia - on C-pap - anywhere from 21%-27% oxygen.

Both on feeding schedules - doing o.k. with it.
Both need help stooling - Olivia needs it more.
Both have episodes of BA and A of prematurity.

We are really just focusing on a day at a time. We need to be patient and give them time to heal and grow. Alyssa was in the NICU for 6 weeks and she was born at 35 weeks. We know that these girls - born at 29 weeks - will be there awhile. We will just keep praying for both and the drs and nurses to make the best decisions. They are the sweetest girls - well, along with Alyssa and Loren.

I keep having to remind myself that if we hadn't had them early there is a good chance that Emma would have been stillborn or born very sick. I'm thankful for where they are. They have been through so much.

Thanks again for all your prayers!

Just a real quick update because I need some zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs...

Just a real quick update because I need some zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs. Yesterday the NICU called (just a recap) and told us they had to put Emma on the vent. She did well yesterday with her oxygen around the 40s. Today - not so good. Her oxygen went up to the high 70's and her blood gases were not good. These were giving off an alarm that something might be wrong. They ran a bunch of tests this morning to see if Emma has an infection. Anything foreign going into her body (vent., i.v. etc.) is a risk for infection. So we will not know what it is exactly until tomorrow afternoon. They gave her 2 blood transfusions and that seemed to help. Also they started her on 2 antibiotics until they can see exactly what is wrong. Once they know that can give her an antiobiotic that is specific for the infection. So please keep praying that she will build up her strength, get rid of her infection and be able to breathe on her own.

Olivia is doing pretty well. She is still having episodes of BC and Aof P. Please pray that these will go away soon. She is also not the best pooper. So please pray that she will start stooling on her own. Good news - Mike got to Kangaroo her tonight. She loved every minute of it and I'm sure he loved it more. : ) He was in heaven.

Well, I'm going to get to bed. Hopefully these pictures will attach nicely. More pictures will come tomorrow.

We got a call from the NICU this morning...

We got a call from the NICU this morning and they went ahead and put Emma on the ventilator. Her right lung has collapsed and she is just working too hard. She is still 1 lb. 6 oz. so they don't want her to use all her calories and lose any more weight from trying to breathe. She is a trooper but just soooooo tiny. We are ready for her to rest and build her strength back. When she was born, they did a head ultrasound and found blood on the brain - a grade 1 (4 being the worst). They were not too concerned about it. They did another ultrasound and they found that it was resolving which is great. They called it a "resolving Grade 1). So they will check it again later on but they are really not worried since it is resolving. She is eating and digesting better. She is having good stools. So that is about it for our little Emma.

Olivia, on the other hand, has not stooled in 4 days so they will probably give her a chip to help her out. She is eating and peeing well. She is still on room air with 10 puffs a minute through her c-pap. She continues to have episodes of braedacardias (drop in heart rate) and apnea of prematurity (forgetting to breathe) so we need to improve in that area. Alyssa got to hold her hand last night and they both LOVED it!!!! It was very precious!!

They both have a sono on Monday (tomorrow) so we'll if that medicine is helping with their hearts.

Thanks for all your continued prayers!!! We know this makes a difference in our girls.